This is It

Today is the 5th. 19 days. That doesn't sound like a long time huh. My life has officially begun. The life that I was meant to live. But, I have a confession, I've been paralyzed for like a week now. By fear? Maybe. Doubt? Maybe that too.
Don't get me wrong, I am not afraid to go to Africa or being away from what I know. Change doesn't bother me, more accurately I crave it. I am afraid to come back. What then?

Some may say it is only 7 months. True. But this marks the beginning of forever for me. I cannot come back to the life I am living now. When I walk away from the life I built in Dallas. It is gone. I can come back to my job and I could get another fancy apartment, and my friends will still be around. Forgive me I am having a hard time putting this into words. Let me try again....

A couple years ago I got to a point where I was doing exactly everything I wanted to do, exactly how I wanted to do it. I was a photographer, going to school at UTA, had an apartment and a man. Then it hit me. I don't like this. So long story short I had one of my well-known epiphany moments and I knew that I wouldn't be happy until I started living the life I always knew I was meant for.

Still I fought it and I have found myself in the same position again, with everything but nothing at all. I fought it because I knew that it meant giving up everything that I knew. Everything that life was suppose to be. The cars, clothes, the money and houses (or at least the dream of these things). That was the hardest part. Making the conscience decision that I am letting these things go for good. Try to fathom that.

Try to understand this is not a journey guys. Or an adventure. Not to me. This is the rest of my life. This is It. I am not giving up 7 months. I am giving up forever. Not for nothing. For everything.

So... what happens when I come back in August? In the recent past I have struggled with a feeling of emptyness, feeling like I was living a life I built for someone else. On many nights I found myself sitting in my amazing $1000 a mo apartment in designer jeans and basically everything that would satisfy so many people, feeling like a poser, an imposter on my own self. The worst part was knowing exactly why I felt this way. God gave me a path and more importantly I saw it and ignored it, intentionally, for a long time. I am scared I will be coming back to the same thing after Mercy Ships, and it will be a 100000 times worse this time, for obvious reasons.

So today I pray for peace. Not strength, I was born with strength, it is innate. Not a path, for I am no longer lost. Not purpose or wealth or even happiness. But for peace of tomorrow. Peace knowing that my faith in what God is to bring me is enough. Peace in the fact that I can walk away and God will provide the rest. I ask for your prayers as well.

“Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them.” Matthew 18:19-20.

*On another note. I realize that I havent provided much information on my preparation for leaving. Which was the point of this whole blog. It seems to be going in another direction.
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